Saeed and the Tribesman · August 8, 2014

There lived in the desert a man called Saeed. One day, he looked around and noticed that all but one of his camels had died. And so he thought of a cunning plan. He walked to a nearby spot where a Bedouin tribe had gathered and went up to its leader and said:

“I have a proposition for you. I ask that you give me all of your camels, and in return I will promise you anything that your heart desires.”

“Very well,” the tribesman said. “I desire twice the number of camels that I will lose to you in this transaction.” He was being facetious of course.

“It is done, but there is a catch. You will only get your batch of camels after you leave this world.”

The tribesman, now slightly irate, fixed his gaze on scruffy Saeed, that pitiful being.

“Perhaps you have mistaken me for a credulous imbecile? A camel now for two in the afterlife, you say?”

“Yes.”

“Tell me, please, how is it that a camel will be of any use to me once my neurons have ceased firing and my body has decomposed?”

And so Saeed told the tribesman about the splendor of his heaven. It had all the things that Saeed believed the tribesman might desire. Saeed mentioned that several kilometers from here, right by the sea, his cousins had built a small nomadic nation that resembled many of the beauties of heaven.

“It is a marvelous place, that nation of ours. You should see it, tribesman. Women are on par with cattle and a family of illiterates decides what’s moral and what’s not. The food is plentiful, the drink flows wherever four perpendicular walls happen to meet, and everyone looks exactly like everyone else, speaks exactly like everyone else and has exactly the same set of beliefs. A group of gifted men—the immortals—don ancient robes and walk the streets, maintaining piety among the masses. They have the spectacular ability to elicit people’s intentions, singling out those who might be contemplating dissent or harboring a desire for individuality.

“It is a transcendent society of the highest order, tribesman. One whose purity is never compromised. In fact, anyone who thinks differently, even in the most minute of ways, is summarily executed, flogged or incarcerated. Imagine a land where everyone moves to the same beat, day in and day out. A place where everything that lives, breaths and exists on, in and above its earth belongs to one group of men. Where patronage takes precedence over performance.

“Once a year, and after satiating our 7,000 princes, whatever money is left in the kitty from our $500 billion revenue is distributed to a band of families that have proven their loyalty with servitude. If you’re lucky to marry into the ruling family, your children too might end up getting a stipend for life. A monthly stipend from conception to death.

“We decide what books people are allowed to read and what books people aren’t allowed to read. Protests are banned. Political opposition is forbidden. There are no civil societies, no political organizations.”

“Tell me, Saeed. This heaven-on-earth, this bastion of goodness, glory, piety and abundance. I have never heard of it. What are its merits, its contributions to humanity?”

“They are too numerous to recall, tribesman. Though, principally, the nation has become known for innovative work in controlling overpopulation. We ensure that enough heads roll so that the earth can continue to flourish, if you catch my drift. And we export our tactics to groups all across the world who are taken aback by the efficacy of our means.”

“That celestial heaven of yours, is it a place where you would want to ultimately end up?”

“Why of course. Who wouldn’t.”

The tribesman went quiet for a minute. Saeed was hopeful that his pitch had had the desired effect. He was not concerned with nation-building or the afterlife, really. He just wanted more camels.

“Let me tell you something. The Saeedian heaven that you speak of is bound to be a miserable place if Saeedian life is anything to go by,” the tribesman said. “But perhaps I can do you a favor.

“Guard, our friend here would like an express ticket to the land of no return. May you be so kind as to oblige him.”

Apparently, news of the generous offer had caused Saeed to have a change of heart. He pleaded insanity, but it was too late. One thing was for certain. The world was a better place without him.

Ali Almossawi  ·  ali@almossawi.com  ·  August 8, 2014  ·  Facebook thumbnail © David Foster